Mon, 9 October 2006
Seduction and flirting, part two. In this part two, I explain the powerful tool known as smiling, how to start a conversation, what to talk about, how to tell if they're interested in you (or not) and how to stop it when you decide you don;t like them. And -- I totally lose it cracking up laughing near the end, a sign of danger for whoever I flirt with and seduce next... These seduction and flirting podcasts are a giggly, fun and informative explanation all about flirting and seducing someone you're interested in, whether they're a stranger or a long-term lover. Everyone loves being seduced, and you don't need to resort to cheap tricks or hypnotism to make a hot, fast connection.
This podcast is also a textcast: click the center of your iPod's trackwheel three times to read the text as you listen to me talk. I veer off the text quite a few times and crack myself up more than once, so consider yourself warned...
Seduction and Flirting: Part Two
Smiling is a powerful thing. The easiest way to disarm, relax and intrigue a anyone is with a smile. It sounds simple and corny, but when you're flirting, a soft or slight smile dancing on your lips is an instant relaxer. A smile gives the unconscious impression that you have a great sense of humor, are approachable and that being around you is safe and indicative of a good time. Yes, a smile says all that without words. And even a light smile while talking can make you appear that much more inviting.
Next time you people-watch, look around at how everyone is holding their mouths, and how it speaks volumes about your impression of them. Someone with tight unsmiling lips seems stressed, unfriendly. Another person might have a frown, or be posing with a serious mean look -- no smile here, just unapproachable people. Find people in the crowd who are smiling, laughing, or have just the tiniest hint of a smile playing around the corners of their mouths. See how they look more attractive, friendly, and sexy? We instinctively feel good around people who are smiling -- and that's just how you'll want any potential flirt-targets to feel when they look at you.
A smile does indeed weave a spell around you. But you don’t need to look like Mommie Dearest walking through the subway or standing at the snack table. No, a maniacal smile will send the opposite message. You just need the tiniest smile at the corners of your mouth to look sexy, happy and open. Keep your lips closed, and gently curve the edges up in a half-smile, and this is the sexy smile you'll use when you make an entrance, stroll sexily across a room, gaze at paintings, survey the last of the snack table's cheese in a can, or anything else you happen to be doing.
Our lips are one of the most suggestive, sensual erogenous zones we've got -- and right on our faces. When someone is interested in you, they'll look at your lips almost as much as your eyes. You can slyly direct them to look at your lips throughout your entire communication with them, no matter if you're talking or not. During conversation, you can play around with what touches your lips, how they are touched and what goes in and out of them. Bite your lower lip suggestively while smiling; rub them together softly and smile. Bite the end of your finger for a second -- tilting your head down to do so is very flattering to your eyes and face. Touch your straw to them before you sip. Rub them lightly on the edge of a glass. If you're not sure they're paying attention, direct their gaze to your lips with a pen, finger, straw, snack, or utensil.
Wear a soft smile like lip-balm -- remember to reapply every chance you get. But when you open your mouth to say anything, make sure you frame it with an even bigger smile. Smiling while you talk does a couple of neat tricks: it makes you easier to hear because it opens up your mouth to let more sound out (allowing you to speak in a sexy low tone without amplifying), and it makes anything you say seem instantly more fun. The talking smile lights up your entire face, gives you the appearance of seeming genuinely engaged with the person you're talking to, and makes them feel special -- it's as if the act of talking to them is causing your happiness.
Then there is the ultimate smile to use as a devastating flirt tool, the smile of serious flirtation -- the eye contact smile that slowly transforms from a soft smile to full, teeth-exposed smile, all while staring and blushing like a fiend. This is the doomsday weapon you employ when you want it bad, and you want them to know that you mean it. This smile can be wicked, naughty and direct -- or sweet, sublime and joyously flirtatious. Either way, it sends a clear message: I want, I want, I want.
Okay, but what the hell do I say?
You need to make what they call in science fiction movies, "first contact." Mars, meet Venus; Sigourney, meet Aliens. Stand close to your flirt-target (but not so close they feel trapped) and make eye contact -- smile right away. If they avoid your eyes, or don't smile back, move on to the next prospect. But if they smile and look into your eyes, the game has begun.
They might start talking first, in which case you can follow their lead and off you go. But if it's your move first -- you can tell if they don't say something within the first 3-4 seconds -- make it so. Don't panic if you can't think of anything for a second; instead let your situation give you clues about what to say. You'll want your starting conversation to be ordinary, light and something that fits the situation you're both in. Start with a question or comment on your surroundings, or the world around you. Everything from "is it cold in here, or is it just me?" to "who are you with -- do you know the hostess?' is all fair game. Consider your situation and think of an opener before you make your approach.
The best thing to do in any situation with a stranger, especially one you want to flirt with, is to ask them about themself -- then listen, and ask more questions. If your first opener doesn’t go anywhere, move on to the next opener, and make it another question. People seldom find others who are interested in their opinions, or want to know more about them, and it's a terrific way to get someone to like you instantly. Take it easy talking about yourself, and if they ask you questions back, then bonus. That means they're interested in you, too.
There are three main rules for starting a conversation with someone sexy. First, stay away from negative comments because you never know what they might find upsetting -- they might love those little dogs you're making fun of, or the creepy guy you're making jokes about might be their friend. Rule number two is that a question always follows a question. Your job as the conversation starter is to keep if moving, and if one opening question goes nowhere, follow it with one on a different topic. If on the third try, your conversation still hangs in the air like a fart, make an excuse and move on to the next prospect (or to the bar, off to fix your look, etc.). The final rule of starting conversation is to not invest too much into someone you just met. If they can't keep up the conversation, then you mistakenly picked a dud and should move on. Either you "click" or you don't, and if the openers feel like weak one-liners, then you haven’t found your match -- keep looking.
Sample Conversation Starters:
* Talk about the world. "The subway/drive over was crazy tonight. Do you know if there was an accident?" "Isn't this weather great/awful/strange/apocalyptic?"
* Ask a question pertinent to your surroundings. "Do you know whose artwork this is?" "Have you been here before. I'm looking for a drinking glass..." "Didn't this Starbucks used to be a mortuary?"
* Ask them about themselves in relation to the surroundings. "Are you a friend of the hostess/performer/bartender?" "Who do you know here? How did you meet?" "What do you think of this place/the artwork/the show/the song that's playing?"
* Comment on a noteworthy or unusual item in your surroundings. "Have you seen the stereo, it's like those huge computers in old sci-fi movies! Number One: engage the disco, stat!" "That houseplant is out of control -- I'd be worried I'd wake up in its mouth!"
* Talk about the reason you're there. "How long have you been a fan of Marilyn Manson?" "The parties here are always a blast. Have you been here before?"
* Absolutely ask questions you already know the answer to. Ask what time it is, where the snacks are, if the drinks are any good (hide your cocktail), what the weather was like in the city today, etc.
* Be humorously contrary; look for humor in your situation and humor in what he says to you. For instance, if it's 100 degrees in the room, ask jokingly if you can borrow a coat.
Don't Do It:
* Depend on other people to have a good time.
* Flirt wasted, really drunk, stoned, trashed, depressed, stressed-out, or mad.
* Look bored.
* Negatively tease your flirt-target. No one likes to think they might be being made fun of.
* Freeze up, verbally or physically.
* Point at the person you're talking to when gesturing.
A good speaker will stand so that his or her body is "open" to everyone listening, especially toward one person in particular. In a group, focus your open stance toward one, or exactly between two of your listeners. Have your feet apart, toes facing out and keep your arms uncrossed. Use your hands to illustrate your points and to help you tell a story. Hands are excellent tools to conduct your listener's attention, and you can draw direct focus on yourself by making finger gestures that mimic pinching, with thumb and forefingers, as if picking up a pen.
Your arm and hand gestures can be subtle and waist-high, or be a bit more flamboyant with movements that remain between waist and shoulders. Avoid flapping your arms or movements that could send an elbow into an unsuspecting boob (literal or figurative), as outlandish gestures just wind up looking dorky, drunk or hysterical.
Try to keep your head tilted down slightly to suggest directness in your conversation. Keep eye contact, but mix it up. If you're in a group, look at everyone in a pattern that begins and ends with the same person, alternating for breaks when people make jokes or if the conversation moves to another speaker. If you're one-on-one, keep your eye contact consistent while speaking, but take 5-10 second visual breaks to let your listener look at other parts of you.
But is your flirt target even listening to your incredible story about saving the kittens from the burning building? How do you know they're really interested? When they're really listening, they will:
* Make "keep going" gestures, including smiles, nods, little "mmh" noises that punctuate the breaks in your conversation, or small prompts such as "really?" "what!" "uh-huh" and "tell it, girlfriend."
* They will listens with their body, leaning forward, widening eyes and nodding along with positive things you say.
* Their face will look animated.
* They'll ask questions.
* They'll be looking at you most of the time you're talking.
* Lots of smiles.
If it's time to change the channel and flirt with someone else, your non-listener will show disinterest by:
* Finishing your sentences. (Plus, it's just rude. Next!)
* Fidgeting their legs and feet while you talk.
* Excessive fiddling with their stuff or person; toying with buttons, digging through pockets, doodling, etc.
* Answering their cell phone. Dude, you're so fired!
* Nodding or making prompting comments in the wrong spots or at the wrong times.
* Slouching and crossed arms.
* Eye contact less than 50% of the time.
While the many of the guidelines I've recommended are handy for assessing a successful flirting encounter, it just so happens that quite a few of us tend to be attracted to members of the herd that some might consider shy, introverted, even geeky, nerdy or are alluring socially dysfunctional mad-scientist types. These subsets of the species are tougher to read. The sexy geek could be going out of their powerful, overworked mind to get you alone and are hanging on every word, but their excitement translates into obsessively folding a napkin until it disintegrates or answering your queries with nervous little grunts.
These special creatures are worth experimenting with. Change the topic. Ask about their life. Change your tone and deepen your voice slightly. Slow your speech down a notch or two, and lower your volume a tiny bit. Or, speed up the pace and don’t be afraid to make silly jokes. Shy guys and girls tend to be smarter than the rest and will appreciate your willingness to make fun of yourself, and everyone else.
All signs were go, so you started to divide and conquer. But within a few minutes, you know you made a mistake. How do you get out of it? Try these handy tips:
* Pick your teeth with a knife.
* Talk about your husband and co-wives.
* Make an excuse to exit the conversation, such as "nature calls," "I have to make a call," or "I think my parole officer is calling."
* Tell him you have to sit down because you're so hung over you think you're "going to barf."
* Fake an orgasm.
* Tell them how much you hate bathing.
* Burp the lyrics to whatever song is playing.
* Thrust your pelvis in time with your burps.
* Disagree with everything they say.
* Spill your drink and leave to get a new one.
* Spill your drink, and leave to pee in the coat closet.
* Ask what their favorite food is, and laugh about how it gives you explosive diarrhea.
Then, this is where I totally crack up and lose it and stop the podcast, ready to frighten the next guy or girl I flirt with in a bar... :)
That's it -- learn more in Open Source Sex 48: Seduction and Flirting Part One
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My podcast totally faked an orgasm once with Libsyn.com